Trigger warning: narcissistic abuse
In the past two months I've slowly come to terms with the extent of my childhood trauma. This little guy is one of three reasons why I'm attacking this head on. 😍 No short cuts, as @BreneBrown puts it, I'm going through the middle.
I'm not going to name names, just explain how I felt about what happened. I am sharing this because I haven't had a voice for 27 years, and I want to speak. I want to inspire others who haven't yet found their voice to see that they're not alone.
Even now, standing up and shedding light on my experiences is giving me anxiety and fear. An individual with narcissistic personality disorder comorbid with histrionic personality disorder will stop at nothing to keep THEIR version of reality the ONLY version of reality.
Except it’s not. It’s not even close.
My emotional skin was removed daily, constantly, with tweezers a piece at a time. One comment here, another there, a false accusation, snide remarks, distortions of my reality, condemnation, ridicule, humiliation, the list goes on. I learned if I asserted myself, bigger chunks would be removed. So I sewed my mouth shut. I performed, I acted, I played the part. Still the pieces were removed. Going along with everything didn’t make it stop. I was still worthless, not good enough, evil, going to hell, cruel, emotionally unbalanced, over dramatic, attention seeking and demonic. Sometimes my abuser would see that I was raw and bloody, a small child who just needed love, and would put a few pieces of skin back on so the neighbors wouldn’t see what I mess I’d become. I relished those moments. But those pieces never went on the right way. They never quite fit the image of what I should have been. So they were removed again, examined, and put back, only to be removed once more. I was a science experiment in mental programming, a pawn in a chess game, a warm-blooded snack for vampires to feast on.
Sometimes we forget we are held and also alive because of something much larger. Something that holds us .... How surely gravity’s law
Strong as an ocean current,
Takes hold of even the strongest thing
And pulls it toward the heart of the world.
Each thing – each stone, blossom, child – is held in place.
Only we, in our arrogance,
Push out beyond what we belong to
For some empty freedom.
If we surrendered to Earth’s intelligence
We could rise up, rooted, like trees …
This is what the things can teach us: to fall,
Patiently to trust our heaviness.
Even a bird has to do that
Before he can fly.
Rainer Maria Rilke Rilke’s Book of Hours: Love Poems to God New York: Riverhead, 1996 (Translated by Anita Barrows and Joanna Macy)
There is one word that has the ability to keep a person going, even when nothing seems to be going as planned: Hope. It keeps the positivity alive in an otherwise negative world.
We have to hope that every negative thing we deal with during this journey to sobriety- recovery, fighting our urges, trying to stay afloat- will change. And we have to follow through on that hope, as you know. Hope isn't some magical power source. It is a motivator. It is a little sprout in the dry sand. A tool to aid you in your journey.
The only reason you should look back is either to see how far you've come or to reminish memories. Never look back in regret. #dancingmywaythroughlife
PS: have you seen my Instagram Stories? I had 2 shoots today of which one ended up in blood!😱
(No worries, I'm fine after all!)
Healing yourself begins here. This is your job to do, and to figure out for yourself. Nobody else can convince you to do this, you have to decide.
Drop the grudge you’ve held against yourself for somehow not being who, how, or what you thought you should be. If you compare yourself to other people, and find you always come out short, you’re only hurting yourself.
If you’re mad at yourself because you made a few mistakes, you should know that I did too, lots of them actually. So did your best friends, family members, and everyone who was ever human. Mistakes are part of life, and if you haven’t gotten used to them, or you find them unforgivable, it’s time to find a way to lighten up and let that go.
The person you hurt the most by not loving yourself is you, but others notice too. Your energetic vibration is very different when you love yourself, versus when you don’t. Your self hatred will affect everyone around you. Some of them will stay away because it’s too uncomfortable to be near you. Some will try to heal you. Other people will simply refuse to do business with you until you begin running a happier healthier vibration of energy.
Read more at https://buff.ly/2Jbx5b0
In recognition of #worldmsday . I don’t want to make this all about me, but it is neither a secret nor my identity that I have MS. Many with chronic illness cannot choose how open to be about it - their symptoms announce their health condition to the world or they simply want to keep it to themselves. I personally chose to be open about my diagnosis as a means of coping. It’s grounding and reassuring to be transparent with my community.
How is chronic illness trauma? Aside from the shock of initial diagnosis, even getting to that diagnosis and navigating the symptoms that lead one there can be pure hell. I know a lot of people with autoimmune conditions - I think most of us do anymore as our environment and lifestyles have become so inflammatory - and many still cannot get a diagnosis because their symptoms are so anomalous or there just isn’t a test for everything. I used to believe that diagnoses were harmful, that people placed too much identity in them, and this can be true, but I now see how trying to figure out just what the hell is wrong so I know what to do can be even worse.
As I’ve said, trauma is more information than the nervous system can process, and when your body, the house of your Self, is behaving bizarrely, changing dramatically from day to day without clear causes it is hard to know what this Self of yours is and what to expect. Sounds like nervous system scramble to me.
Or maybe your diagnosis is arrived at readily, but you still have the experience of being sick. Fluctuating or increasing symptoms. Fear of infecting others. Facing mortality. Concerns for affecting loved ones. Inability to work, play, ambulate, care for yourself. Fear of judgement.
There are so many ways to personally experience chronic illness.
I’ve found it is easy to feel sorry for myself. When I do I quit enjoying life and fail to see what good I have, becoming that dreaded victim of my diagnosis. I’ve learned a lot from my friends with longtime HIV. They got sick when their diagnosis meant death, yet here they remain decades later. They’ve taught me to live the life you want because you might just get it.
~ UPDATE/Explanation ~
Just a small attempt at an update...
Things haven't been good with me, in fact they got as bad as they possibly could go... I had a meeting at uni - it wasn't the reason, but it was a big factor - it involved pushing myself a lot and a sense of holding myself together when there was a lot going on for me.
I've had to stay with my parents (rabbits included) - it is temporary - the plan is to stay for 2 weeks and then review, but probably stay longer - basically until I feel able to live in my flat again and keep myself safe.
At first I didn't know what was wrong with me - it reallt felt as though I woke up one morning feeling like I couldn't live anymore. But I've since managed to establish with my therapist that there were actually lots of reasons. One of the main reasons - I seem to be struggling to manage and regulate certain emotions - mainly loneliness, but feeds into shame and anger. My therapist says I am also suffering from a severe depressive episode, that's on top of my usual struggles with DID and CPTSD. But it is also clear that other parts of me are not depressed - I may be able to draw upon them to help me through this.
I could say a lot more, I will hopefully say more. It's been so scary. I am still feeling so scared, lost and not myself. Just trying to stay 💪
Is our motherhood today serving our children’s sense of victimization, or enhancing their personal strength? This question is something I still ponder, still ask of myself, daily. .
I gave birth to and raised five precious human beings. They each have their own adult lives, families, struggles, and unique personalities. Three of my children love and honor me today, two reject and judge me. .
I find it curious that while we love each of our children the very same way, it won’t always feel like the same loving experience, it won’t always lead to the same mutual connection. Should I be grateful, or feel guilty?
I’ve often asked myself how could I have done a better job. I know that I have loved them all. I still do and always will. And, I so much wish to have their love in return. But what I’ve come to realize is: how they relate to me is their choice.
As a mother, I accept this and work to not judge them, or myself. Healthy perspective is a matter of choice. As mothers we pray that God watches over all of us, and guides us to a space of mutual compassion. .
“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are set forth.” ~ Kahlil Gibran.
Life seems a little less overwhelming and fucking nuts 🥜 with our #colortherapy glasses on. We all got a new pair today and it completely shifted our moods, things really did feel better, we smiled, we laughed, we pointed and ooooh’d and ahhhhh’d at EVERYTHING we saw! !
You should totally check these out, not only will you look like a total badass but you’ll feel like one too, or at least we do!! !
There is a science behind it that I can’t begin to explain, so you should read up on them, but they work and my son wants one in every color!! !
If you’ve had them in the past I’d love to hear about your experience with them and which color you liked best or maybe didn’t like! ! #traumarecovery#therapyglasses#iseeyoulooking#wegotthis#onedayatatime#soulsalutations#sunshine#mylove#warrior#smile#livelifehappy#weekendvibes
So this was interesting tonight, my first personal threat from social media that went beyond normal trolling...earlier in the comment string he also told me he could ruin my channel and personally, essentially, ruin every video and venture I am a part of as well as “exposing me to employers,” and telling me repeatedly I was personally responsible for the rapes of thousands of women’s for suggesting Tony Robbins said something incorrectly. This was on the video I did about Tony Robbins #metoo comments last month and suggesting he could do better...so let me just repeat, for the record, that I believe 100% it is right to call out those in positions of power or authority when they speak wrongly or go astray. I believe that good deeds do not justify bad ones - because Tony has done good for many people, I’m being told I should shut up and not speak up when I see him saying something that I believe is wrong. I disagree. We are allowed to question leaders and heroes - and we should. Good actions do not outweigh bad and should not be used to silence people - we should be called out when we do or say wrong. And that goes for me too - none of us are above fault. So I’m going to keep speaking what I see and believe, and if I ever go to far or say the wrong thing, I hope I will be called out and corrected and will honestly apologize...but I’m not going to stop fighting for this cause because of the threats of trolls. Thank you for your continued incredible support. 💜
I took this picture today at an open house...I used to be completely terrified of being alone - ever. But especially in strange places. And now I work in a career where I routinely work open houses by myself, and I’m okay. For me, that’s a huge sign of progress...it’s taken six years, but I find I’m less on edge than I used to be, and I can be alone and not afraid somedays. Not every day - but somedays. Triggers DO get better. I’m still working on lowering that one for me, but it gets better year by year. Whatever yours are, know that with time and a bit of work, they will ease too. 💜
For those of you healing from unhealthy relationships and family trauma, this is an informative, badass read! @rossrosenberg_slri investigates why codependents and narcissists gravitate toward each other from a neutral point of view. We all have some of these traits in us—we are human—but different degrees of healthy to unhealthy. He explains couple and friendship chemistry, and how to not to be a victim of family programming and unresolved trauma, which pulls us to repeated history relationships. If we don’t open our eyes and heal from trauma we will repeat same but different scenarios until we figure it out. The universe is crazy like that. It seems painful to venture in this self-exploration arena, but it isn’t as uncomfortable as I thought. In fact it’s a beautiful healing. Rosenberg refers to codependency as Self Love Deficient Disorder, which is damn refreshing—yes we can recover. Lack of self love is what keeps us humans stuck. We can recover from Ground Hog Day style living. We can learn to love and respect ourselves, have meaningful, healthy, and expanding relationships, use compassion and understanding to forgive those who hurt us, and those we have hurt. It’s all in this book, a wonderful mental health read. 😍
When we tend to ourselves and heal with clear open minds we can experience amazing, fulfilling relationships with those who take responsibility to heal and love themselves, too. Doesn’t that sound epic? 😍
And check this out. Did you know that that intense I’ve-known-you-forever love at first sight chemistry is actually a red flag for the codependent-narcissist bond. The more unhealthy the individuals the more magnetic the pull. Not to say there isn’t chemistry in healthy love, there is, is just not needy or the cure all or life pausing. And there’s this, once that intense fizzle goes away the toxins always appear. And it’s sad and it sucks! I know. I know. Yes, there was love, but unhealthy love is emotionally dangerous. 😳
Thank you for you incredible work, @rossrosenberg_slri! Grateful! 😍✌️
I know we all appreciate the people on this page who take the time to comment their experiences in relation to these posts ~ we have done so much healing (I know I have) since @healingfromabuse was started and I just want to reach more people!!!!! Let’s help each other understand the red flags of abuse and give each other the strength and support to leave early. (The longer you wait the harder it gets) #freeyourself#supportsurvivors#keeptalking Violence and domestic violence murder is real lets fuckin try to stop it.
I opened my bible maybe 5 times since October.
It hurt too much. Every time I touched it I had to keep myself from flinching. That book was carrying the weight of helping me survive over a year of deep grief, pain, spiritual abuse, debilitating anxiety, and intense trauma. It was like the pages were coated with this deeply negative energy. I could feel it emanating from its cover. I couldn’t squint through the wound it reopened to see the beauty & comfort I’d always found in it.
Reading my Bible became spiritually damaging when every time I picked it up I spent hours feeling tortured and oppressed by the people who had used it against me.
No one told me that could happen. No one told me it was possible for an abuser to dunk my source of comfort in poison. It was when I picked up a bible that didn’t belong to me and LOVED it that I realized my copy was just too emotionally marred for me to read.
Two days ago I got a new bible. It doesn’t look like a bible on the outside, it’s a different translation (CEB), and it feels different in my hands. It feels good and free and true and hopeful again. Oppression & shame flee when I open its pages. It’s no longer a heavy weight in my hands.
In the past, I’ve always sought out a new bible for a new life season. I purchased a new copy in middle school, high school, college, when I got married, and before I got pregnant & moved cross country.
This bible feels like a new season being placed in my hands with grace & compassion. I didn’t even recognize until it was in my grasp. I didn’t see it coming until I took hold of it & owned it.
I welcome & embrace the openness & fresh breath that this bible is bringing into my life. I can only trust that this new season will feel the same 🖤🙏🏼
#regulate4resilience 💖P E T S
They just know.
They know sometimes even before I know.
People and their pets connect via shared brain structures that predate the development of the human frontal cortex with its apparatus in language and rationality. Animals and humans interact from their respective limbic systems, the brains EMOTIONAL parts. Unlike people, animals are ACUTELY sensitive to messages from the limbic brain - BOTH their own and that of their owners
~Gabor Mate. M.D.
WHEN THE BODY SAYS NO
Hallo meine Lieben. Wie geht es euch? Mir geht's heute eigentlich recht gut. Allerdings ist mein body image heute total schlimm.
Ich bin gerade in Ulm shoppen und stand vor einer Riesen Herausforderung,Denn ich sollte in der Öffentlichkeit essen. In einem Restaurant. Mitten in der Stadt. Für mich ist das der absolute Horror aber es ging heute. Ich habe mir einen großen Salat bestellt und eine Cola.
Ich hab der essstörung den Kampf angesagt also versuche ich auch alles zu machen damit die Stimme leiser wird und es hat geklappt. Ich fühle mich nicht furchtbar, ich hab zwar gerade ziemlichen Bewegungsdrang aber ich sitze und schreibe diesen Post um mich abzulenken.
Ich merke eine Veränderung in mir und mit mir und es macht mir Mut und gibt Zuversicht aber es macht auch angst. Ich hab angst zuzunehmen. Mein Kopf sagt mir das sich Menschen von mir abwenden aber ich weiß das es nicht so ist und das nur die kack essstörung versucht mich wieder tiefer in das Loch zu ziehen. Aber nicht mit mir. Liebe Essstörung ich bin stärker!
Ansonsten ist soweit alles total in Ordnung, mir geht es gut, ich hab Höhen und Tiefen aber die gehören ja dazu. Ich hab derzeit so viel Motivation was zu ändern das ist wirklich sehr merkwürdig weil ich es nicht kenne aber ich glaube in meinem Kopf hat es klick gemacht. Ich freu mich einfach das es jetzt so gut läuft. Und morgen seh ich mich selbst bestimmt wieder besser.
Habt ein schönes Wochenende
Trauma isn’t something horrible that happened to you. Trauma doesn’t happen TO you. It happens WITHIN you. Trauma is a disconnection from yourself as a result of something horrible that happened, because being connected was too painful. But that’s the good news! Because if trauma was something that happened however many years ago, we could do nothing to change it. If trauma is a disconnection from ourselves, then the possibility of reconnecting is available to us at any time. .
✨Dr. Gabor Mate’s words from his The Wounded Healer talk this evening. ✨
📸from my walk in Kitsilano the other day. .
I got caught up in my shit, as of late. Which particular shit, you ask? Well, this time, it was Expert shit. I'm Supposed to Know Everything shit. The shit that says I'm really (*really*, like, you don't even know, really) behind in my school work. And I told myself that it was all stupid anyway, because I know this stuff, and when are we going to get to the Real Ph.D Stuff?
And that, my friends, is what we call Shadow. Dressed up and ready to host his grand ball, reveling in my silliness.
I came across this word in my reading this afternoon, sneaking in a bit of studying while Shadow napped in the sun, and....yes. I breathed, because it is all practice. Expertise comes from one thing, and one thing only: coming to our practice with humility and openness every day. When we're young, it's so easy, because we're told we don't know anything (ha!!). Well, I guess I'm still young, because I don't know shit about shit.