It’s the last day of school tomorrow. And tradition wise, graduating students wear silly costumes. It’s a children’s costume that I’m wearing (hence why it’s so short) but it was the only one that fit. It’s still a bit big..but it’ll do.
Please excuse my vile legs. They’re hideous and fat.
lunch today was a toasted bagel w/ regular (not light!!) cream cheese & a half and half lemonade/iced tea 😛 this was a huge #recoverywin as bagels have always been one of my biggest fear foods (!!!) not gonna lie u guys i probably would’ve gotten the light cream cheese if my mom wasn’t with me as my ed tells me that’s “safer” but i didn’t and i’m so proud of myself for smashing this 💪🏻 bagels were the one food in treatment that tripped me up the most, especially adding on cream cheese & i really didn’t work to habituate them after my discharge so they became a major fear again. BUTTTT i let myself enjoy this today which was huge! especially since i start my first day of work tomorrow so my anxiety & restriction urges are through the roof. @ ana bye bitch 👋🏻 going to do my best to push through & not restrict despite my ed thoughts telling me to try to look as small as possible for my first impression at work tomorrow because food is fuel and one meal will not change my life but deciding to give into my eating disorder will!!! i hope you all are having a lovely day🌸 we can do this!!!🌻✨💖
#dinner I’ve had a very challenging day. The feeling of disgust has been present and manifested itself in hatred and disgust towards my body. I find myself repulsive and vile, a big gluttonous pig. On the same time I’m terrified of my own reflection, it scares me, it makes me anxious and like I need to disguise and shield myself in fabrics. I’m stuck in this grey zone where I’m facing two different roads; one being the way forward and the other being a way to ultimate destruction. I know I should take the road forward, but it scares me. The future absolutely scares me. I wish I was a child again, I want to let someone else take responsibility of me.
Sorry for this small venting. Im just so frustrated and torn between different choices.
I want to feel love. I want someone to embrace me and comfort me, I want to feel safe.
I really hope you all had a great start into the new week ❣️
I went on a little boat tour with a friend today 🤗
I wish you all a great evening and a good night 💕
Ich hoffe ihr hattet einen schönen Tag und es geht euch gut ❤️
Ich war heute mit einem Kumpel Tretbootfahren und danach haben wir bei ihm zu Hause einen Film angeschaut.
Es war echt schön und ich bin eben erst nach Hause gekommen und bin ziemlich müde...
Morgen fahre ich mit ihm und seinem Vater den Hund abholen, den sie morgen bekommen werden 😍
Ich wünsche euch einen schönen Abend und ganz viel Kraft ❤️
PR city reached despite my adversity.
It wasn’t wise to train but I desperately needed to. I really did.
And we PRed in Bench, Squats & Front Squats.
Felt good after 2 weeks but I’m probably gonna regret it. Shingles is a shitstick but I also needed to train for my mental state so I did some & stopped!
Happy PR day.
Ps: @robesselens needs to learn appropriate coaching etiquette!
‼️1K FOLLOWERS QUESTION‼️.
First of all: THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR FOLLOWING ME!❤️😍
So I wanna do a big challenge and I wanna give you some options (because these options are REALLY scared but I know it’s feasible💪🏽 So please give a comments which two I need to do or which two you would like to see I CAN do that🙋🏼♀️. You can choose 1 meal challenge and 1 challenge against my social anxiety.
1. An XL (instead of my normal medium) frozen yoghurt strawberry crunch special with strawberries🍓, homemade granola🥜 and white chocolate (!!)🍫 at the @yoghurtbarn.
2. A large milkshake chocolate flavour at the snackbar 🥤🍫.
3. B&J pint party🍨.
4. Truffle mushroom tortellini at a restaurant🍝.
SOCIAL ANXIETY CHALLENGE
5. Going to stay in the evening at the korfbal, to have a drink instead of going home directly🍷.
6. Going to the public toilet instead of waiting when I’ll be home💧.
7. Eat my evening snack before my training in the ‘kantine’ instead of hide myself on the field when almost nobody can see I eat something💁🏼♀️.
8. At the groupstherapy I’ll talk about myself as first of the group instead of waiting till everbody told something so I’ll be the last person who’ll talk🗣.
‼️PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT‼️ LOVEU GUYS!!!!❤️❤️❤️
Yes, I ate this entire pizza by myself last night. And no, I didn’t calculate the nutrition facts. I know that not everyone who counts macros and calories has an ED. Some people can do it and not obsess over it or have a bad relationship with food because of it. However, if you have a history of EDs, I really don’t recommend tracking because it’ll keep you halfway in your ED by satisfying your need to have control and you’ll be way too tempted to restrict. In life, it’s normal to eat more one day than you did on another day. Counting macros and calories will get you in this mindset of having to do the same thing every day which just isn’t realistic or an enjoyable way to live your life. No, I don’t eat an entire pizza every day but I also don’t count this as a cheat day or meal and I didn’t “make up” for it today. I’m just living my life according to how I want to live it. 💕 #anorexiarecovery#eatingdisorderrecovery#edrecovery#intuitiveeating#vegan#plantbased#daiyapizza#prorecovery#recoverywarrior#health#happiness#mentalhealth
1 year ago today I flew home after an amazing couple of weeks spent at disney world with my family - today I finally finished the last little bit of disney chocolate that I brought back from that trip - pretty sure this means it’s time to go back and get more! 😍
♡ How come 'imperfections' on animals are cute and yet we humans spend millions of pounds and hours trying to get rid or minimise them??
♡ If Henry came embrace his underbite and look even more cute than he would with a normal jawline in my opinion (and if you disagree I'll fight you 😂) then you can accept and embrace your 'imperfections.' ♡ Your cellulite? CUTE AF.
♡ Your stomach rolls whether permanent or friendly visitors when you sit or bend? CUTE AF.
♡ Your spots, your hip dip, your scars, your crooked smile, your wonky teeth, your stretch marks - you guessed it, ALL CUTE AF. ♡ You deserve to feel as cute as a doggo and to embrace all your insecurities, no matter what they may be. And also remember that imperfections are only imperfections if you see them like that, if you decide to embrace them completely then they're no longer imperfections, they're just cute additions to the rest of your perfectly imperfect self 🤷♀️
Love and air hugs, KEEP BEING THE BEAUTIFUL BADASSES YOU ARE 💕
I've actually lost count of how many women in recovery I've talked to, myself included, who've gotten completely derailed by diets and cleases. 😩 Usually a friend or co-worker suggests it, and we feel like we can "handle it." Then it spirals into something we can't control and before long it's a full-blown relapse. 🤦🏼♀️ I'm not saying this happens to EVERYone, but it happens a LOT. If this is happening to you now, all is not lost! You can get back on track! 💕 I don't recommend dieting for anyone, but it can be very dangerous for those of us who have or used to have eating disorders. ☠️ Ultimately it's our responsibility to say no and honor our bodies and boundaries. I always politely decline, and educate when appropriate. 👩🏼🏫 Friends and loved ones, you can make it easier by educating yourselves and always asking first! Your support is extremely valuable. 💗
To myself, from myself 🦋
Sent something similar to a dear one lately in a different context and had a moment of realisation that I now apply this to my self. I choose me, for me, always 💖
So results are in; I didn't manage to restore sweet fuck all this week, I managed a 0.15 gain so not counted as its probably water retention so a complete kick in the teeth when I feel I'm eating enough to make me burst. So alas I still remain 'underweight' more restoration eating it is, challenge is to add spreads to things - peanut butter, jam etc. Good egg boyf is out for dinner making pals, was supposed to go to my parents for dinner to ensure I had dinner but I just couldn't. Got myself some olives, hummus and crackers to sit on my tod and eat in my car hating my entire existence💪🏻(why am I like this? Why at nearly 26 can I not eat if I'm alone like an actual child? What is my life🙃🙃) #edrecovery#eatingdisorderrecovery#realrecovery#prorecovery#recovery#vegan#veganfood#vegansofig#eatingdisorder#healthyeating
Today is one of those days where my head loves telling me how much easier life would be if I restricted and lost weight. I’d be in hospital and everything is sorted. But that’s no life
There’s no joy or happiness in living like that, I’ve seen first hand people who sadly live like that and I don’t want it. I’d lose my friends. My freedom. Hockey. Patrick. Life and my future!
So although this adulting thing is hard and you have to make so many decisions and I’m always questioning whether it’s the right decision and whether I can actually cope. I’m going to try cause I want to live
Some days it gets horrendously tough and I feel like I can't take another moment of existing in my own skin. I feel repulsed and disgusted, like my skin is crawling to the point I want to harm myself to feel some kind of relief from this feeling. I completely spiral into hating every ounce of my body, existence and self.
So today was an ok, let's take off your proper clothes that feel like they are clingy to your skin, put on that t-shirt and shorts screwed up on the floor that your not sure the last time they had a wash and calm the fuck down. Let's think about what's actually going on in your brain and question everything until you are questioning your teaspoons. I made myself spend some time with Luna when all I wanted to do was let my mind go crazy. I fought hard.
The want to return to clutches of anorexia's control right now is simply because it's familiar. I know her control, I know what happens and I know what she does and if I return to that, I can put life back on hold for her. I won't have to face others situations I can't control simply because I won't be involved with them. I won't be involved in life.
I'm not in the mood for getting nowhere constantly because an eating disorder holds me back. I'm going to break the cycle of relapse. I'm going to break free from the thoughts. Wearing baggy clothes and in bitch damn who is she dresses, balance is everything. Especially in pole dance.
Baby steps are actually leaps when you look back over them. #realrecovery#recovery#recovering#edfamily#edwarrior#edfighter#edfam#cutegirl#recoveryisworthit#comfort#eatittobeatit#ana#anarecovery#edrecovery#anorexianervosa#prorecovery#recoveryispossible#fuckana#fuckanorexia#selfcare#mentalillness#bodypositive#bopowarrior#strongnotskinny#anawho#selflove#mentalhealth#anarecovery#anorexia#anorexiarecovery
#update in 🇩🇪
💯TW - ZAHLEN ETC. 💯
es ist seit ein paar monaten ein auf und ab mit dem gewicht. ich nehme ab und paar tage später ist das ganze gewicht wieder drauf. ich binge und hasse mich danach mehr und mehr. ich reduziere wieder, nehme ab und habe kaum noch kraft. mir ist wieder ständig schwindlig und so wirkliche lust zum leben habe ich auch nicht. ich habe in den letzten 2 wochen etwa 2-3 kilo abgenommen wobei ich fast immer unter 1500 kalorien esse, an manchen tagen nichtmal 1000. der schneidedruck kommt schubweise und meistens kann ich ganz gut damit umgehen. am mittwoch bin ich 3 wochen clean &' ich hoffe, dass es diesmal mehr als 21 tage hält.. klar ich werde oft getriggert. wenn ich wunden sehe, frage ich mich, wieso ich mich nicht verletzen darf. und die suizidgedanken kommen auch schubweise. ich versuche gerade sie mir, "abzutrainieren", aber es ist hart. ende juni habe ich meinen abschluss in der tasche und irgendwie will ich echt noch 3 kilo abnehmen (wäre dann bei 60kg) und das war ja von anfang an mein GW. ich habe einfach angst, dass ich nicht in mein kleid passe und dann fett bin und hässlich noch dazu. ich gehe auch selten mit freunden raus und wenn ich raus gehe dann MUSS ich 10000 schritte gehen. es ist alles nicht so leicht. mit meiner therapeutin bearbeite ich jetzt schon die themen, die ich stationär behandeln will, weil es bis zu aufnahme noch fast ein jahr ist..🙄🙄das war mein ehrliches update, friends. ich weiß es ist hart,aber ich versuche weiterzukämpfen! stay strong!💕#weightrestoreddoesnotmeanfat#warrior#eatingdisorderrecovery#eatingdisorder#recovery#triggerwarning#anorexia#struggling#depression#depressed#deutschland#selfharmrecovery#selfacceptance#selfharm#selfharmmm#germany#prorecovery#healing#loveyourself#loveyourselffirst#leipzig#neverstopfighting#iwasnotbuilttobreak#mentalillnesses
Hey ihr da draußen
Einen frohen Pfingstmontag wünsche ich euch! Ich hoffe, dass die Sonne bei jedem den ganzen Tag am Himmel stand und ihr die Chance genutzt habt, ein kühles Eis zu essen 🍨☀ Ich habe eigentlich genau das gleiche wie gestern gemacht. Zwei mal mit dem Hund Gassi, Gartenarbeit, Schulaufgaben und Kreuzworträtsel lösen. So konnte ich mich die ganze Zeit ablenken und meinen negativen Gedanken entkommen. Zwar bin ich jetzt recht erschöpft, aber zumindest war meine Laune nicht im Keller und damit das auch so bleibt, werde ich mir jetzt noch irgendwelche lateinischen Texte zum Übersetzen raussuchen 🤔
Das Problem mit dem Gefühl eines zu leeren Magens und dem daraus resultierenden Hunger (also ich glaube, dass es Hunger ist, es fühlt sich aber irgendwie komisch an. Als ob zu viel Luft in mir wäre) ist heute zum Glück etwas weniger geworden. Erneut habe ich extrem viel getrunken und nicht mehr gegessen, was falsch ist, ich weiß, aber mich überfordern bereits wenige Kalorien, die ich zu viel esse 😓😕 Falls ihr morgen noch Ferien habt, genießt diese und wenn nicht, startet gut in die verkürzte Woche! Bis dann! 👋🏼
Afternoon snack is a plate of baby carrots, celery, and cucumber with some hummus for dipping 😋 had some watermelon this morning.
Tonight we are getting together with my sister and her boyfriend to play virtual reality. We don't get along the best just because we're so different, so there's always this unspoken tension when we're together. Also, she's always been judgemental of my weight. Even before I started losing weight, she's made comments about how thin I am because she's always been quite overweight. So I know there will be some kind of comment tonight after my seeing her for months. 😓
They want to go out for ice cream or something afterwards and I've been stressing out over that so much. I haven't had ice cream in years and if I ever do have it, there's no way I'm wasting it on a night with people who I don't fully enjoy being with. I'm gonna try to suggest frozen yogurt or something that will be a bit easier to portion control or get something healthier. I don't wanna come home with guilt after it will already be kinda stressful with the tension between us hanging out. Thank god my husband will be there... I don't think I could get through anything without him! 😥❤️
Sometimes, we all need a reminder due to the stigma surrounding eating disorders and mental illness in general, that people can put a facade and fake persona on in the midst of immense struggle. That’s the dangerous part about mental illness in my opinion. Cancer, for example, is a medical ordeal that many can see and perceive due to the physical effects it occasionally causes, i.e. hair loss from chemo, among other side effects. Some mental illnesses can be seen, such as anorexia when people are severely underweight. But most cannot be seen. Here in these photos, I am nowhere NEAR my lowest body weight; however, I am equally as sick in both photos, the right photo is just more evident because I am actively in treatment, struggling, and with an NG tube. The right picture was taken I believe less than a week ago, and the left literally months before. I guarantee bystanders in anthropologie (the store in which the left photo was taken) NEVER would’ve known the level of suffering I was enduring. The immense amount of pain—physically and mentally—, the many pounds gained prior, the numerous medical and inpatient/residential/partial hospitalizations endured beforehand, etc. I post this just as a gentle reminder for all (I struggle with this too, and we are ALL human!) to always remember that many may be fighting a battle we know nothing about.
okay, so we all know the saying "mental health over everything" and we all know that it's a fucking lie. you fail your class and say it's because of your mental illness? - "you had enough time to study. you should have just started earlier." NO SHIT SHERLOCK! try to study when you have several mental illnesses that all tell you other things, what you should do, etc. you reach the point. you don't know what to do, you're overwhelmed and you're like "okay fuck it".
and guess what? now you're sitting in class, trying to write your exam and your holding back your tears because you're panicking. congratulations you feel like a failure and it all starts again. a never-ending cycle. so stop the bullshit with "mental health over everything". and now I'm going to study (or rather I'm going to try)