okay okay okay, firstly how massive is the bowl of food, secondly my parents weren't here when I had to eat it. I'm ngl I really did struggle with this but my sister was with me and I knew if i didn't at least eat most of it she'd tell my parents so I did. I was babysitting which was a great distraction afterwards and i had no time to feel guilty cause I was on face time to my bestie @blossomingem and I had the BEST time, if only I had have actually been in your 'backyard' tanning with you ;(
Today has been tough. It's crazy how positive I was feeling yesterday & then had such a meltdown today... as I went on "morning tea challenge" & we had to pick something that we found challenging and I could just about manage half this bag - with no compensatory behaviours. Real life outings make you realise how unwell and consumed you really are :( but on a positive note it was so lovely to go sit by the river with the girls & psychologist💖
Healing is not linear 🙌🏻 and I challenged my behaviours. Yet I was distressed but I got through it. I then returned to a room search taking place as requested by my psychiatrist, they apparently didn't need to tell me but I thought I had the right to know/be there before they started, apparently not. This vey much stressed me out, I didn't have anything I shouldn't have had, but I hate people touching my things and not putting it back where it was. So I started balling my eyes out and having an anxiety attack - luckily the psychologist is amazing and came to calm me down ♥️
Out of upset and anxiety I said to the nurses "find anything?!" Then felt really awful and cried more and apologised, but they understood my distress and told me not to apologise. I think it's just as I went on challenge my anxiety levels were really high so I freaked out. So I missed lunch... just had my two fortisips to make up for it.
Also found out about the room search by one of the staff members saying "you have visitors in your room" so I panicked and thought it was the paramedics to come and transfer me to the Royal :(...
Going back to what my psych said to me this morning, "if you were my daughter I'd be sending you straight to hospital" as my bloods are pretty shocking & we argued a bit over the fact I think I'm not underweight and that they are lying as body dysmorphia is fun :-) NOT.
But I'm just really exhausted now so I'm gonna have a nap. Onwards and upwards. It's gonna be hard, there's gonna be tears, but nobody wants me back in the Royal they care so much & i surely don't want that either. Xx
25.5.18 | Kookie Cat cookie I’ve had for my snack a little while ago 😍 Things are slowly improving, I’d say. I’m still tired and anxious, but eating isn’t as bad as it was a week ago. I can even go days without purging again, which is a massive relief. It’s almost certain that I’ve passed my uni year, given my current marks, even if I am not done with my exams. Also, a major thing is that I’m talking to G. again. It’s such a weird feeling after spending the last 6 months trying hard not to think about him. I mean, I know I’m not very good at this whole relationship thing. To be honest I don’t even want to be involved in one most of the time. But he’s an exception. He’s one of the people I feel I have a real connection with. And it feels great. Anyway. We’ll see where it goes. We’re going to a Harry Potter party together tomorrow. I’m petrified (pun intended 😜) because I have the feeling I’m going to screw up buuuuuut it is just my brain being silly and everything is going to be fine. 😅 Have a great day everyone 💪🏻💜 #eatingdisorder#ed#eatingdisorderrecovery#mentalhealth#anorexia#recovery#mentalillness#anorexiarecovery#dysmorphia#foodissues#mentalhealthawareness#awareness#guerison#guerir#troublealimentaire#tca#food#french#guerir#struggling#student
HAPPY EASTER 🐣 super yum 😋 breakfast- banana 🍌 overnight oats with chia seeds, flaked almonds and raisins 🍇 anywayssss today has been up and down as I expected. Easter is a difficult time for lots of us due to being surrounded by food, chocolate 🍫 etc etc. I knew today was going to be a challenge. I have cried and I have thought about giving up BUT I’ve thought about it and I’ve watched people around me eat without a care in the world 🌍 I want to be like that one day. I challenged myself to a bar of chocolate, I only managed half but for me that’s a big deal and I’m proud of myself. I’m going out for dinner soon and I’m really stressed ngl but I want to enjoy the evening and not let my ED control me. If I can do it, so can you. I encourage everyone to challenge themselves today, even if it’s small, it’s still a step forward💙🍫🐣
I could pick out 1629202619280 billion things I hate about this photo, yet I would never say something I love about it? Why? Why do we tell other people how beautiful they are yet not love ourselves? Why do we feel embarrassed saying 'I like my hair' or something good about ourselves? We throw compliments out to everyone around us, but I want you to tell yourself how amazing you are. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are kind. You are all incredible people and you should all be proud of who you are! Next time you see a photo of yourself, please don't say you look ugly or you have a big mouth etc etc... say I love '......' and I AM BEAUTIFUL❤️
good morning and happy Monday! I hope you all have a good positive day and fuel yourselves because you all deserve it✨ this morning I had a mixed berry smoothie bowl topped with granola, blueberries and blackberries and it was super yummy 😋 I'm going to school today and I'm actually quite excited (what?¿), because tbh I quite enjoy school, and it takes my mind off things. lots of love ❤️
hello everyone😚 I apologise for being so inactive recently, I'm really struggling at the moment and don't want to be triggering or anything💛 I love you all endlessly, please feel free to message me whenever💖 I hope you are all okay, xxx
My First whole day recovering is today and... I will tell you my first impressions at the end of the day. It's been hard. Yesterday I had therapist appointment (with mum) and I'm a at a lowest of being outpatient. But my team has decided to try and give me the outpatient treatment in house.
Yesterday was such a mess, I didn't do the whole diet because of the appointment but after that... I couldn't weight my food, I couldn't cook, I know mum was using OILS, I can't weight myself anymore because I don't have a scale. And I feel like if I'm getting bigger and bigger. Is it normal?? It's such a lot of food. At least for me. They want me to eat bread every single meal. Holy crap 🤦
And, my therapist said: don't worry you'll eat just 1500 calories because you're coming from 1200 and it's a gradual increase... Yes...?? Are you sure? Because only with your fucking bread I'll already be eating that, but nooooo. You also had to add the oil, and the damn rest. It's a lie. A big lie. It is not perfectly measured as I used to. You're lying!! 😫😩🤯 And all in all I can't even exercise. Just laying here such a walrus. 🐋
But, my parents tried their best and bought me this amazing unicorn cup🤩🦄 to make me easier moments like this.
I'll try to make a full day of eating today, bcs is something that I've seen to many other girls and I want to, but I don't know if I'll be able to pic everything.
Breakfast: 🥛 Umm I don't know, between 200 and 250 ml of unsweetened soy milk (at least they left me my milk)
🌽🥣. And, as I have said, I have forbidden to know the amount of food but... I'll say it's 30 or 40 or it could be even 50 gr of corn flakes. OMG I can't even thing about them being 50 gr.😥😣 Anyway, let's start the day with positive vibes. ( ED laughs strongly)
guys I'm sorry I'm not active at the moment. I have exams in a couple weeks which are fairly important so I'm busy revising. let's just say that nothing is going that great regarding food etc ATM but I'll be okay, taking each day at a time💛 I hope you're all doing well! remember that you all deserve to eat and be healthy, please look after yourselves and make sure you're getting everything you need. I love you ALL💖💖 also hmu on stulish for a distraction please n thank you